On accepting when the timing isn't right
Why I'm taking a break from Substack for a while
I really wanted to make this writing thing work. I felt like I had to make it work. You see, my illness has left me unable to work. It’s left me unable to do very much at all, to be quite honest. And the overachiever is me has loathed that.
Before all I became really unwell, I was starting to dig deep into the literature critiquing late-stage capitalism and our obsession with hustle and grind culture. I was totally unboard, agreeing that it was completely unhealthy, mostly shallow, and that it was probably best if I started to divest from my old ways.
But I didn’t. I kept working myself into the ground so that I could afford to buy the things I intellectually understood I did not need. I was to afraid to let go of my old ways, too afraid to really see what it was like to make sacrifices and potentially discover a different sort of life that I might prefer anyway.
I guess the universe saw it fit to try and force me learn this lesson? Over time, I became too sick to hold down a full time job. Then a part-time one. Then a casual one. And then any job at all. And rather than accept what my body was trying to tell me, I tried to pivot. Okay, I thought, maybe my body isn’t telling me that I need to stop doing. Maybe I just need to try doing things differently.
So I tried to for a while. I imagined soaring to the heights of capitalist success via becoming my own boss. I entertained many ideas, but there were really only two that I gave a wholehearted attempt, writing being one of them. I really really wanted this to work. Surely, if I was able to go at my own pace and do something that I actually loved, then I would be able to maintain a pace that didn’t see me fall into a heap again?
The answer to that question was a big, loud no. Because I hadn’t learned the fundamental lesson yet, which was that I needed to figure out how to pace myself properly. I have had to accept that I just don’t know how to go slow. My mind has two modes- obsessing over the past, and dreaming of a future that is a lot better than my current reality. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally realised that neither of these things have helped me in any way.
As they like to say in Buddhist philosophy, if you’re forever grasping for the things you don’t have, and you’re fearfully clinging to the things you do, terrified that they’ll go away, then you’re never actually really living your life. You’re just in a perpetual state of wanting and wishing. Never appreciating.
I am being forced to learn to sit with myself. To accept a moment as it unfolds and not try to make it anything else. My body has handed me this lesson by making me incredibly reactive to screens- laptops, my phone and even the TV. Apparently this isn’t uncommon with illnesses like mine, although the severity differs. Only a couple of years ago I would have laughed at people claiming this to be the case, an image of people with tin-foil hats and ranting about 5G circling my mind. Although I have no conclusive thoughts as to why this is happening to me (but some theories!), I’ve definitely received my slice of humble pie. Never judge. It could be your reality one day.
All of this is my long-winded way of saying that I am taking a break from Substack for the time being. I am saddened by this so much because I’ve had a fair few new subscribers in recent weeks and I’ve been so excited to connect with you all. Unfortunately, it will have to wait for now.
I’m hoping to spend my time reading, watching (when I can) and listening, continuing to gathering all the thoughts that interest me, and waiting to see what connections I can make. Hopefully you’ll all still be here for me to share my thoughts with when the universe see it fit for me to move onto the next chapter of my life.
Sending you all love, kindness and healthy vibes!
Lou x
Sending lots of love your way. Pacing is SO hard, it’s the most difficult and complex thing I have ever had to learn. Not a lot of people understand the hard work that goes into being chronically ill and all the bumps along the way. I hope you find what suits you and your body whether it includes Substack or not. You will be missed!
I hear you. That tuning in, that listening, that meeting your body where it’s at. The making changes, the surrender. So much healing happening here. Though it’s doesn’t always feel like it. Though it feels like going against the grain. I never fail to receive the call to “slow the fluff down”. I retrained to offer a mobile beauty business so I could work around illness. I pushed & I hustled, I hustled & I pushed! (I broke the chronic pain cycle but I was still chronically ill). Then! The pandemic!! Swiping my income for a 2nd time in as many years. Then! I moved. And another lockdown and another. I started to learn. I really listened. I got going again.I moved again. That side of my business and healing treatments are exactly where they are meant to be. (Not enough to cover outgoings). Now I’m meant to write - though I don’t yet get paid for this. But I have to trust. Trust that I will be taken care of, trust that money is coming. Now I align my energy with the seasons. It peaks (yey!), it slows down (like this week). I listen, I adjust, I realign. We are so worth this. We are worth so much more than what we do (or don’t do). We are worthy just because.