Wondering how deep your perfectionism goes?

This journaling tip might help answer the question

I’ve always been a journaller. But my journaling habits are a good metaphor for my life in general- rarely am I ever consistent with it.

In times of peace in my life, you will usually find my journal filled with consistent entries. They are usually just a bunch of facts about my day, with a leaning towards the more positive things (a favourite of mine is always mentioning when the sun was out!). Unsurprisingly, during enjoyable periods of my life, where I am actually living and experiencing the moments of my day, entries are few and far between.

By far, my journal is mostly filled with detailed and sprawling entries that are created during times of emotional upheaval. I sometimes write twice a day, the energy flowing down my arm, through my pen, and onto the page. These entries are messy and angry and full of self pity. It definitely fits the criteria for what Brené Brown calls your SFD (the stormy first draft).

Obviously, this type of entry has dominated of late.

If you’re at all familiar with ‘therapy-talk’, (and if you’re an upper/middle class person with perfectionist tendencies and living in a Western society, you probably are) you have probably been told about the problematic nature of ‘I should’ statements.

‘I should’ statements are an absolute favourite of the inner critic. They are used to keep us in line, to keep us from being swallowed whole by all those pesky fears that we have.

Thought you’d sit down and read your book? You really should be cleaning out that cupboard that you’ve said you’d clean out for months (fear of being perceived as a slob).

Going for a leisurely walk with your dog? You really should be doing a more intense workout…summer is coming around quickly you know (fear of not conforming to mainstream body standards).

Wanted to write about your own struggled with ‘I should statements’? You really should be writing about something less self-indulgent, more pressing (fear of being perceived as uncaring/selfish/not ‘woke’ enough.

You get the idea.

Photo by Noémi Macavei-Katócz on Unsplash

It is easy to become enraged at the inner critic once you realise that it is there and what it is trying to do. To want to block it out, shout at it to go away, to leave you alone so you can JUST HAVE ONE MOMENT OF BLOODY PEACE!!!

Usually though, the inner critic is trying to help you…albeit in a cruel and twisted way. It is trying to keep you safe by helping you avoid all situations that induce fear- whether those fears are rational or not- and even if in doing so it makes you feel worse than you likely would if the fear actually came to fruition.

The inner critic doesn’t care about your long-term goals or wellbeing. It is focused on the getting through this moment, now, in the easiest way possible. Kind of like a parent giving their kid an iPhone in a moment of desperation. Sure, they know that this is probably not the best strategy in the long run, but they are tired and frustrated and distressed by their kid’s wailing, and just want a moment to catch their breath.

Your inner critic is exactly like that parent. Do this thing now so that we can stop feeling the uncomfortable feelings. It’s okay…we’ll try to do it differently again later.

And repeat ad nauseum.

So…what are we meant to do about it? The first step in dealing with any problem is to actually recognise how big of a problem it might be. And it occured to me recently that this is where my journal could be very helpful. Could it help me work out how big the issue was that I was grappling with?

The answer was, yes, it could.

By paying close attention to my journal entries, I was able to see very clearly just how strong my own inner critic is. I knew to look out for ‘I should’ statement in my writing (and in my thoughts). However, our brains are VERY clever, and a closer look at my own writing revealed the loophole that my own had found when I tried to impose a rule on it that it didn’t like.

Mine had worked out that there are many different ways to express the same sentiment as ‘I should’.

And it had GONE TO TOWN on them.

My entries were littered with sentences that started with the following:

I cannot…
I must…
I must not…
I need to…
I have to…
I will not…
It is important that…

I wasn’t writing a journal entry. I was writing myself a goddamn set of instructions!

What I thought was a way for me to process my complex emotions, to explore my thoughts and come up with solutions, had instead become a task akin to writing lines at school, reminding myself of what a bad bad girl I had been. I wasn’t helping myself through my writing, working my way through my emotions in a kind way- I was punishing myself.

Image generated courtesy of: https://www.ranzey.com/generators/bart/index.html

Since coming to this realisation, I have had to reconsider how I approach my journaling. I was tempted to put yet another rule in place, and to only allow myself to write positive things. But this is just contributing to the problem in a different way, by perpetuating this belief I have that ‘doing life’ is sticking to a rigid set out rules I have for myself, based on very questionable evidence.

Instead, I turned to Buddhism for some wisdom. And it was by doing this that I realised that self-compassion was the most important skill to cultivate when trying to change.

To forgive yourself for your slip ups.

To tell your inner critic that you appreciate that it is trying to help you, but that you are trying a different approach now.

To remind myself that awareness of something is the important first step, because it is only when you’re aware of something that you can change it.

I now practise being aware of what flows from my pen when I am writing. I can tell that I am feeling anxious or depressed whenever I noticed these variations of ‘I should’ statements making frequent appearances in my writing. And I use this as a reminder to be kind to myself that day, to practise letting go, because I am done with rules.

I’m sharing all this because it may be helpful for someone else out there. Maybe it won’t. But I’m learning that things don’t have to be any way at all to exist in the world, that they can exist all the same.

Lou xx

Have your journaling habits taught you anything about yourself of late? Share below. And thanks for reading!