Work, over-preparing, fake happiness and Gen-Z

Plus, why I will always defend Married at First Sight

Hello readers!

Welcome to the first issue of my revamped newsletter. If you have any thoughts on what I’ve written this week, please don’t hesitate to comment. I’d love to hear what you all think. For now, let’s get right into it!

⬆️ I’m overachieving at….

Finding a way to earn an income 💸

I haven’t earned a regular income since the end of 2021. Leaving my full-time job as a teacher without another job lined up was not one the smarter decisions I’ve made, but I felt like I had very little choice at the time. I was burned out and at breaking point. I wanted an out and I wanted it immediately.

Thankfully, I had the foresight (and privilege) throughout my 20s to save a good chunk of cash for a rainy day. But when it rains, it pours, and those savings have run out. Bottom line- I need to start earning an income again.

I’ve received a government benefit for the last year (with a medical exemption from looking for work) and this has really put into perspective how impossible it is for people to live off this payment. I am lucky that my Dad gave me a place to stay and didn’t ask me to pay rent, yet even with that cushion I have had to slash my expenses down to the absolute basics. I had to start cancelling medical appointments because I couldn’t afford them, even with subsidies from Medicare. I’ve never been one to buy into the narrative around ‘dole-bludgers’. My experience on welfare has made me glad I never did. Most wouldn’t choose this life, but many don’t have a choice.

I feel I no longer have a choice. I’m terrified of going back to work, but I’m more terrified of long-term unemployment. I know it is harder to return to work the longer you stay out of it. And having a better life structure is vital for my recovery. Paid work provides that. It may lead to a health crash again, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. At least then I’d know for sure that I’m not capable of working a regular job.

With the decision to return to work made, the next question was: what kind of work would I return to? Although having unrecognised OCD definitely contributed to my struggles to manage my workload as an English teacher, the max exodus from my profession overall highlights that it’s more than an individual issue.

I love teaching. I love being with the kids and seeing them learn. I love being a part of a community and having the opportunity to attend excursions, camps, retreats, and regular professional learning days. I poured my heart and soul into earning my degree and I want to justify the huge student debt I accumulated in the process by putting that degree to good use.

However, it is no longer the same job. Student behaviour is a rising problem, parents are becoming harder to deal with, and the increasing administrative tasks required of teachers means many are working long hours that they’re not paid for.

Perhaps this is another case of me avoiding something because it scares me. However, I’m trying to look at this a a golden opportunity to dip my toes in elsewhere and see what come of it. I can always go back to teaching if all else fails.

So, it was on to other things!

The next roadblock I hit was having no idea what I was aiming for. I’ve been applying for administration-type roles for about a month now and have had no luck. No responses. Nada. It’s been disheartening, but I’ve had to accept it is part of the process. Plus, after doing some reflecting, I’ve realised most of the jobs I’ve had in the past were gained through personal connections (nepotism alive and well!), so it’s likely my job application skills are subpar.

I’m taking some steps to address this. I’ve booked in for free career counselling (a government initiative) and have been researching my little heart out. I’ve also been heading to the library regularly to help my mind switch into ‘work-mode’. I’m doing the best I can to prepare my mind and body for the transition back to work. My anxiety is through the roof, and I’m dragging myself around kicking and screaming, but I’m doing my best to wear these feelings and continue ploughing forward.

🥡 TAKEAWAY: Finding work is a frustration process. Don’t give up. Build up your frustration tolerance and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

⬇️ I’m underachieving at…

Taking less things with me when I go out.

The first time I went to the library I took more things with me than I could possibly use in the time I was there. I used to think this was just being prepared. Just in case, you know? Now I realise that over-planning was a way for me to ensure that I was never, not for one moment, uncomfortable when I was out.

Feeling frustrated by your writing? It’s okay, you have a book to read. Bored of the book? You brought your diary to do some journaling. Bored of journaling? Read this other book you bought! Dry lips? Lip balm! Thirsty? Have a sip from one of your TWO massive bottle of water.

Accounting for every possible scenario isn’t a bad thing, but it is time-consuming. And I no longer want to spend my life planning, I want to live it. Plus, regular task-switching is something that I am trying to avoid as much as possible right now. Instead, I am practising pushing through the discomfort of my mind telling me to give up. That means taking less stuff out with me so I don’t have options.

Watching my partner pack for holidays has been refreshing (horrifying?). He shoves some things into a bag and accepts the fact that he may have forgotten something he needs. I’m aiming for a somewhere in the middle. Sensible, but practicing sitting in the discomfort of knowing that I might not have everything I need, and realising it’s really not that big of deal.

🥡 TAKEAWAY: Being over-prepared is time-consuming. Take the risk that you might leave something behind and learn to sit with that discomfort.

💭 A belief I’m challenging….

I must feel happy when loved ones tell me their good news.

I’m taking a risk here and starting with a belief that makes me look bad. May as well dive in head first! 😬

There's been a lot of announcements in my life recently. Pregnancies, engagements, new jobs etc. I'm at that age where a lot of people are making these big life decisions, so it's inevitable that the announcements are coming in thick and strong.

This should all be wonderful, exciting news, right?

Well, my body has not responded in that way. In fact, happiness has not been an emotion I have felt when told all this good news. Shock, envy, concern- certainly-but not happiness.

As a woman socialised to believe that being a good friend means always being happy for your friends, my negative internal reactions to good news has, in the past, caused me a lot of grief. You see, I've never reacted well to this kind of news. Change has always been hard for me and I've needed time to adjust, no matter how small an impact the change might actually have on the day-to-day realities of my life. I’ve always struggled to accept this aspect of myself, because to be frank, it makes me sound like a bit of an asshole.¹

What’s compounded the issue is that I feel threatened by other people’s good news. Which makes total sense if you ask me! Life as I knew it imploded at a very inconvenient time, the time when I was meant to buy a house, get married, and have children. I've done a lot of work over the years to challenge these expectations, but clearly not enough. I can announce that I am fine not having the house and kids, but my reactions to other people having these things tells me I’m not really at peace with that reality. And it scares me that I may have lost my chance to have these things because I couldn’t get my shit together in time.

I can’t change my situation overnight. But there is something that I can change that will help: my reaction to my reactions.

None of us have any control over the feelings that are triggered when he interact with something in our environment- they’re automatic. However, we can compound those feelings by how we choose to interpret them. Here’s how it’s usually gone for me: I have a strong negative reaction to someone’s happy news. I berate myself for not being happy like I should be, and add this moment to the lists of all the times I’ve not reacted happily. I now have an even longer list of all the reasons as to why I am a terrible friend.

Not a great formula for building up your self-worth.

In ‘The Myth of Self-Esteem’, Albert Ellis writes:

'Measuring a human being is really a form of circular thinking. If a man is "good" because he has "good" traits, his "goodness", in both instances, is based on some kind of value system that is definitional; for who, again, except some deity, is to say what "good' traits truly are? Once his traits are defined as being "good", and his global "goodness" is deduced from his specific "goodnesses", the concept of his being globally "good" will almost inevitably prejudice one's view of his specific traits- which will then seem "more good" than they really may be. And once his traits are defined as being "bad", the concept of his being globally "bad" will almost inevitably prejudice one's view of his specific traits- which will then seem "more bad" than they really may be.

I’ve been stuck in a cycle of judging myself as ‘bad’, and thus seeing all my behaviour through that lens. But judging our feelings as good or bad is a pointless endeavour.

Trying to control your thoughts and feelings is like trying stop the flow of a river with your bare hands. You simply can't do it. I've learned now that it's better to accept the uncontrollable and focus instead on what I can control- how I interpret these reactions. I now chose to forgive myself for the things I can’t control. I allow myself grace, because it's understandable that I’ve had the reaction that I did. Other people are moving forward when I feel stagnant. Other people are making decisions and I am forever indecisive, too scared to commit to something.

Over time, I can work on why I feel the way I do. I can learn to untangle the irrational belief behind the feelings. I can work towards making the changes I need to so I no longer feel left behind. But for now the best thing I can do is to accept what is.

However, a caveat.

I do not use my pain as permission to discharge my emotional energy at the expense of others. I bite my tongue, plaster a smile on my face, and chose to be the good friend in the moment. I pretend to be enthusiastic about the news I’m receiving because that is the kind of person I want to be. I choose to act greater than I feel.

Do I go home and cry later? Of course. And then I practice moving on. I’m still not great at that part- I vent about my feelings more than I want to at this stage- but I’m learning to find other ways to move that energy through my body (e.g. exercise).

🥡 TAKEAWAY: It would be great to be genuinely happy when friends tell me their good news, but I have no control over my emotions. The only thing I can control is my reaction to and interpretation of those feelings.

✨ What I’ve been enjoying this week

📚This article by

Rob Henderson

: On Writing - reading it made me feel more confident about the steps I’m taking to change my relationship to writing. I also appreciated his collection of wisdom at the end.

📚

Freya India

writing about Gen-Z girls. I rarely use social media these days, but whenever I do spend the odd 30 minutes on Tik Tok, I generally come away feeling a bit icky. I want to continuing working with young people in some capacity and so it is important that I keep my finger on the pulse. I appreciate Freya doing the hard work for me and giving her take. This article does an excellent job of articulating many of the concerns I’ve had about young girls and the online mental-health culture. Of the oversharing that is occuring on social media, Freya writes:

And please, ask yourself: is this going to be good for your recovery? Because despite what the mental health industry would have you believe, your anxiety isn’t fixed or inevitable. You could get over your OCD. But you’ll make that much less likely and harder for yourself by posting it all over the internet and publicly building your identity around it first. Maybe you’re socially anxious at 14 but not at 20, but you made it your brand and showed the internet that you struggle to make a phone call and can’t order food. Maybe you desperately want to be seen as confident but you’ve already marketed yourself as anxious and that’s how people treat you. All I’m saying is you might regret reducing yourself to a collection of symptoms. This world can be cruel and unforgiving, and you might one day regret telling it you can’t cope.

As I wrote last week, I’ve arrived at the same conclusion. Sharing is not always the best approach.

📚 I enjoyed this article by

Adam Mastroianni

exploring the opportunities presented by the decline in institutional trust in the US. He argues that dethroning previously unquestionable people and institutions is the only way for humanity to make progress, and I agree. Speaking about his own personal experience in academia, Mastroianni highlights something that I realised when I was teaching:

‘Then, couple years ago, I looked around and realized that I didn’t actually admire most of the people I was trying to be. I envied what they had and I feared what they could do to me, and I mistook those feelings for admiration; I thought I was looking up to them when I was only looking up at them. Many of them were petty and cruel, uncurious about ideas except as a means for acquiring status, quick to decry injustice but unwilling to risk anything to rectify it, usually polite but rarely honorable, busy but useless, eminent but uninspiring, well-spoken but cowardly. I knew I would only become more like these people if I kept going, so I stopped.’

🚗 The huge thumbs up and grin I got from a young driver I gave way to. I always give way, it’s just a part of my nature, and I’ve come to expect no acknowledgment from other drivers. So this enthusiastic gesture took me by surprise and really brightened my afternoon. I wish you all good things, happy stranger!

📺 Married At First Sight (Australia) has been back for three weeks now and I am no longer ashamed to admit that I live for it. It feels like that because it’s on 4 nights a week and each episode runs for 90 minutes. And I don’t just passively watch it. My partner and I bonded over MAFS early in our relationship (he’d never watched it before) and the most enjoyable part of the episode is chatting with him whilst following the comments on the MAFS AU Reddit page live episode discussions. Although I don’t feel I need to, I want to defend my love of a show like this. Reality TV is a well-crafted narrative that plays directly into the hands of loyal fans. You have heroes and villains, complex story arcs, and editing decisions that are all made as a result of what the audience wants. It’s clear from this year’s season that the audience responded well to experts’ take-downs of problematic characters in the past, because there is a lot of no-nonsense confrontation going on this year. Also, in response to all those people shouting ‘no one even cares about finding the right match!’, I want to say yes, you’re right. No one is denying the fact that participants are playing a fame-game, not a love-game (although I’m sure finding love is a nice bonus). Apparently “filming was a hassle this year” because most couple chose to stay even when their relationship was clearly a train-wreck, so film crew had to manage more couples for longer than expected. They’ve all clued on to the fact that an early departure= forgotten, and it appears most will do anything to extend their screen time. I love trying to work out the strategy each participant is employing to win their ticket to glory. Watching MAFS is like watching Titanic- you know the ship is going to hit an iceberg- you’re just here to watch the chaos unfold.

Expert Alessandra Rampolla wondering whether to take any of these people seriously or not. Do they legitimately lack any kind of self-awareness, or are they cunning geniuses who know exactly what it takes to get the most air time?

Until next time! 🤟

1. I think the awareness around ASD and ADHD as done a fair bit to change this negative perception, but we still have a ways to go.